Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
