Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
