I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
