I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
