I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
