So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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