so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
