WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
