listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
