i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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