yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
