I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
