can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
