i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
