Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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