Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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