She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
