youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
