Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize