why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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