Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
