There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
