After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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