I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
A bitchslap is in order.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
