Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
