you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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