Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
