I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
