Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
