a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
