Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
