Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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