I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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