Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
