he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
