You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
