"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
