you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
