Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
