Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize