When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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