Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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