The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
