i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
