my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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