you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
