I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
