I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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