i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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