i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
