I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
