he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
