I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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