I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
