Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
