btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
