Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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