Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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