Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
