I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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