I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
