May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
